On break ups and the unknown portal

Repairing a relationship with life after trauma :: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON JULY 25th 2022

One of the things I find the most disorienting when a long(ish) relationship ends is the dissolving of your plans moving forward.

Last Friday, my girlfriend and I both admitted to each other that we aren’t happy together. I’ve taken 3 days to just sit with the fact that she won’t be my girlfriend anymore and now she will be my ex girlfriend, and that we were officially breaking up. And the thing that is the hardest at the moment is that feeling of, “well what next then?” The shock of a huge change and the required re-orienting it asks throws me quite a lot. Just the change of routine is difficult for me to accept and move through, and stick to.

Of course I am hurt, and angry and heartbroken, and logical too - knowing that this is the least harmful choice for both of us. AND AND AND… what stands out to me the most right now is this piece of me that is scared to trust life, the organic unfolding of things. The organic falling apart of things.

The portal of the unknown, as I like to call it… is here. I could try to keep things together really badly, over compensating because I feel less than, or I could just let life happen.

My focus and my vision has been so geared toward the nurturing of this relationship. I’ve brought this relationship into the fabric of my decisions, of my lifestyle, of my inner landscape very seriously…

And now… what?

Not in a this-wasn’t-worth-it kind of way… more so, in a -how-do-I-stay-close-to-myself-when-i-feel-like-i’ve-failed-at-love-again kind of way

I wish I could say this was a situation in which oh I don’t know who I am, and I am going to find out because that, I feel like I know how to handle. What I haven’t lived yet is a significant breakup in which I do know who I am. Quite clearly actually. Thank god I’ve come of age. Jeezus.

And yet, I know myself… but…

The portal of the unknown scares me. I am scared of what comes next and if it will be good or not. I don’t have much practice around not needing to seek for much and just being quiet with myself because I’m safe. When I looked around all weekend, I really took in that I have the exact life I dreamed of for so many years. I have a garden, and a lake, and the woods and a secure home. I have my creativity and my work and my kitchen. I am scared I won’t find the collaborators who want the same things as me, who are aligned with the same values. I am scared to not be able to enjoy this life I built for myself in post-traumatic growth with someone I love and respect, and in turn, someone who loves and respects me by my side. I am scared to keep dating people and finding these fundamental incompatibilities that stop the progression of commitment. I know I want to find a partner - it’s probably my deepest wish, the thing that is the most important to me, something which I shy away from admitting even to myself - in case it doesn’t work out, as if that will somehow hurt less if I didn’t tell myself how much it meant to me. I am scared of facing my own avoidance, the ways in which I protect myself and how I will undoubtedly need to drop these in safe spaces to actually be aligned with what I want. (I am already doing it with my friend Iman for example, and holy shit, I keep crossing my arms around her. lol.)

I am scared but because I know myself, I know I will face all of these fears. I suppose this is what is next, really.

This unknown portal that we step into, is so vulnerable, because exactly that - we don’t really know if we will get what we want, or what we need… it demands a tremendous amount of faith to be able to tolerate it. To be able to sit in it. To not do deactivating strategies to numb or distract or activating strategies to try to soothe.

Faith. How does one who has been so burned by life, begin to trust life again? How does one who literally once named a dog Trust, in order to trust life more, only to lose that dog as they became unfit to care for him due to the fact that they got so violently ill during pharmaceutical withdrawal…begin to trust again, even just a little bit? Literally. I am one of the least likely candidates to trust life. I have been poisoned and misdiagnosed; I have been raped by someone I had loved; I have been abused by people who were supposed to keep me safe; I have been forced to lose people I love to addiction; I have been stolen from, cheated on, under appreciated, taken for granted, ALL OF IT… and yet, I want to be well, and that means, I have to learn to trust again. I have to lean into faith to carry me to where I want to go.

I like to treat life (nature, experiences, places, people) and me as being in a relationship. If there was a rupture in a relational relationship like a coupledom, the two parties would need to participate within the repair. I need to look at all the ways I don’t let life help me for example, all the ways I keep engaging with confirmation bias about how I am a burden or too sensitive to be loved, all of that. And I literally have that expectation of life - to repair with me in return. Life is meant to repair with me so that we can get into right relationship again. So this means, giving me experiences and invitations to connection (it’s up to me if I accept or not) to repair our relationship. When the sun shines a certain way in my yard… that’s an invitation from life for repair. I accept. When the lake is completely vacant during a lunch break and I can swim to the swimming dock and back to the main one with no other noise stimulation, life offering repair. I accept. My mom getting me white sun flowers at the market when I really had no expectation for them, life repairing with me through a person. I accept. The vendor at the fruit stand giving me extra cherries for no reason, life repairing. I accept. My doctor writing to me, “I am here for you during this break up.” Life repairing with me. I accept. The quiet solitude of no construction in my neighbourhood so I can read in my hammock without having any slight inclination of annoyance, life repairing. I accept.

To have repair we must be willing to accept the invitations to it. And then when repair has occurred to match the violation appropriately, we can begin to naturally trust again.

So no wonder I am scared of the unknown, no wonder I am scared of life. Maybe you are too after trauma. It’s so normal. And I am willing to have life repair with me. I will hear and see the bids for repair, and I will engage and we will rebuild our relationship.