On markers of nervous system health
What do you need to focus on for your nervous system health? :: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED on JANUARY 13th 2023
Recently a client asked me how I can tell if someone’s nervous system health has improved or not. “Oh, well there are markers!” I replied.
Well what are they? You may be asking. I shall answer you below.
I sometimes do this thing where I don’t realize how much I have done for a certain project, or client, or event, or group until I count it all objectively, and this substack newsletter is no exception. My first post came out at the beginning of March 2022. And I started writing weekly in May. Since March 2022, I have written 50 essays here including this one. FIFTY!
So as a way to honor and celebrate the work I have done here (it is mercury retro in capricorn after all), and also for the sake of being helpful in general, let’s look at what nervous system health markers are, and I will share with you posts that I have written in the past year that correlate to said marker if you’d like to work on that specific category.
When a client first comes to work with me, I look for these markers and I get an intuitive sense of which needs most attention first based on what the client is struggling with the most. Then we slowly work at developing all these markers over time. These markers are specifically based on developmental trauma resolution because this is what I specialize in, just FYI. It would be different if you were gaining trauma resolution for something else - such as event trauma like a car accident. People who have had little to no developmental trauma most likely already have these markers present without the work needed to learn and develop them. But that is not a personality thing - it’s a circumstance thing. The rest of us learn what we were supposed to learn in childhood later on in our adulthood due to forces we could not control. The great news is that we can heal!
Alright… Let’s look at some markers…
self-regulation;
Self-regulation is essentially about being able to effectively internally resource. Having healthy self-regulation also means you are able to tell what you are feeling, express what you’re feeling, ask for what you need to others. You’re also able to accurately gauge your capacity and you are aware of your impact on other people. I wrote about being able to both internally and externally resource as a sign of nervous system health in On demystifying codependence.
Developing patience and empathy for yourself in hard times as written about in On what to do when it’s raining and pouring. is a huge part of self-regulation. How we treat ourselves when things suck is indicative of how much we are able to self-regulate.
The way we get curious about ourselves and stay compassionate instead of forcing ourselves or dominating ourselves is a good marker for self-regulation. I wrote about this in On the social model of disability.
On how long it will take to feel better. showcases that being able to tolerate less than happy states and being able to have patience for the healing process that often takes several years is a way to practice self-regulation. People who want results right away, and who do not wish to practice consistency, or expect to always feel high and feel as though they are failing if they don’t, typically do not achieve nervous system health recovery… usually simply because they abandon the work. Healing takes time. Some parts of our wounding also never go away and we must learn to co-exist with those parts kindly. All part of self-regulation - the grey - the not all good, not all bad, the being able to be with two truths.
The way we can meet all sorts of different emotional states and validate them without suppressing them is us developing self-regulation -
I think you can see this in posts I wrote like: On what it’s like to be done the one big thing you wanted to do with your life.
Or: On a league of their own and a recognition of pain.
Self-regulation is also about listening to your body as a guide that is telling you a story instead of treating it like an enemy that makes no sense illustrated in two essays. 1. On grief and sensitive bodies.
AND… On getting out of the wasteland.
a sense of basic differentiation;
There are two main ways I was taught we can differentiate. One of them is called functional differentiation and that means we are able to differentiate but only in relational ways. So if someone is happy with us, we are happy with us. But if someone is critiquing us, then we are critiquing ourselves. Basic differentiation is being able to make decisions based on what you feel is authentic to you, versus what you feel will get you approval. It’s being able to be like this is right for THAT person, but this is right for ME.
Having a sense of basic differentiation means that you’re able to define yourself as separate from others in beliefs, opinions, stances and choices.
On having fears and doing it anyway. —> In this essay I bring you into the internal landscape of my continued individuation from my father by way of writing. Owning my experience, my feelings and my thoughts as valid and choosing to express myself (in respectful non harmful ways) in my art, even though he may not approve is a perfect example of basic differentiation.
On reflections and mirrors. —> in this piece I highlight that the way we are mirrored matters, and we can choose where we, metaphorically, plant ourselves. We do not have to believe the things externalizing people say that make us sick. We have agency… when we know this and act as though we do, this shows a sense of basic differentiation forming.
On fear of being misunderstood & being in right season. —> another way to form basic differentiation is by choosing to make decisions that are right for us by evaluating the context and the season we are personally in, rather than making a decision based on what everyone else is doing (or not doing.)
On art and how it’s not that personal once you share it. —> this one is a great read if you’re worried about other people’s opinions a lot - especially as an artist. People in general form their opinions based on their own experiences, their own projections and their own triggers, that have nothing to do with you - knowing this and living by this is a way to ensure basic differentiation.
On not being on social media. —> is an essay about how doing something that is counter culture is okay and gives you permission to do so (not being on social media as a business owner and/or a millennial is not common as an example), which highlights the importance of a sense of basic differentiation and authenticity.
On oxygen. —> on oxygen is a story about being in proper role (for example, not being the parent in a romantic relationship), which is an essential part of basic differentiation and post traumatic growth.
a healthy sense of self;
Having a healthy sense of self in nervous system health means being able to hold nuances about yourself and not being in grandiosity or in inferiority.
I wrote about how a part of healing trauma is being able to see where you’re great too (not just where you’re bad) in On living in reality.
I also wrote about the importance of being a whole person, not just a good/ perfect one, in…On permission to not be a good person.
A big part also of a healthy sense of self post abuse is growing into the adult version of looking at why people abused you/ neglected you as a child. It wasn’t because you deserved it - it was because they were unwell… which I wrote about in… On why abuse happens.
A healthy sense of self is also about realizing we cannot change the past (the actions of others or of ourselves even though we’d like to) but we can decide how we live now based on our values - which means we are connected with reality, accepting our responsibility and our limits, and embodied in the present. I wrote about this in On being held by the forest.
A healthy sense of self is equally about being able to go toward what is warm and accepting toward you versus what is challenging and hurtful for you by forming accurate neuroception post trauma, which I wrote about in On not earning love and neuroception. and also in my most recent piece, On why there is no love in abuse.
On trusting your certainty. is also a great read if you’re looking to expand your individuality and create your longings without intense perfectionism blocking you, which is a great practice toward a healthy sense of self - doing what you love and not criticizing yourself unnecessarily!
a sense of inherent self-worth;
This part of nervous system health is what I have been working on in the past year or so very intensely so I have written A LOT about it.
2 years ago · 7 likes · Emily Beatrix
On giving less fcks was an essay I wrote in November about how I was no longer defining my worth through my work. Mostly because I lost my capacity to do so through burn out - a blessing in disguise really. The essay itself sees me in this vulnerable state of like, now that I can’t get my worth from performing, from my business being BIG, from being on stages, from running huge group programs, from having 25 clients a week, where do I get it from? And you see my willingness, to start to get it from just being.
On not keeping it together. is the story about how I stopped being the strong one, I started getting AFFECTED by life instead of just keeping keeping on, and I asked to be taken care of too. Something I could not have done without being willing to consider I had inherent self-worth.
On asking for help and on repair. is the story of how I could finally ask for help and how it built my inherent self-worth to be repaired with, and also to receive. I practiced receiving so much in 2022 as illustrated here in If you’re lonely on friday night. by various ailments that invited me to do so.
For me, healing my poor sense of inherent self worth was ALSO about practicing receiving understanding and acceptance when I had feelings I previously got in trouble for which I wrote about in On your feelings getting you in trouble. Not just being loved when I was perfect and able to serve others. Also being loved when I needed help or when I felt uncomfortable, hurt and or worried.
On the last day of November was an essay about many things, but mostly about how internalized ableism had affected my inherent self-worth and had made me believe things that were not true - that I was a burden, that it was a curse to love me, that I had to justify my existence through earning it, that I had to accept crumbs because it was the only thing I’d get because I wasn’t good enough, and how transforming these untrue beliefs was opening me up to true peace.
and impulse control;
Impulse control is the ability to apply all the previous markers of nervous system health in the moment. It is about learning to change your view of yourself and of the world in post traumatic growth and respond less from compulsions that served you in the past as a means of survival. Often those who struggle with impulse control literally see the present as the past and can’t tell the difference. So they react quick and fast. This is where orientation and a lot of basic stress organ work in session and outside of session helps.
The idea behind gaining more impulse control is being able to practice mindfulness. To be able to slow down the speed between trigger and response. Being able to stay with yourself and de-value the urges that lead to addictive behavior for example.
Here are essays I wrote about impulse control:
What if I don’t have to make this better?
On deep cleaning and the physiology behind why you might feel worse when you are safe.
I also think repairing with life after trauma and being able to trust good things are coming to us helps us with impulse control a lot since it helps us act from an abundant mindset rather than a scarcity one - as I wrote here in - On breakups and the unknown portal.