On not earning love and neuroception

What two first dates taught me :: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON september 15th

I went on two separate first dates in the past two weeks and it taught me so much about life and where I am at. First of all, these dates were pretty similar in terms of activities, but they were so different in how they felt.

One of the things I am practicing right now in general in life is not if someone likes me, or if I even like them, it’s more about noticing how I feel when I am with someone. Who am I in the presence of another? Myself or my mask?

The first first date I went on was amazing. As far as first dates go, it may have even been topping the charts for me. It was exactly what I needed to ‘get back out there’. Or at least, to have a fun time with a stranger. We got along so well. She felt truly curious, empathetic, kind, honest and interesting to me. The banter was good. The chemistry and comfortability was there, physical touch felt progressively natural as the hours went by and not forced or rushed at all. She was great at communication with me. I was great at communication with her. I felt really seen and valued and recognized and I think she felt the same way. We did not leave the date feeling confused about how the other felt or what the other was interested in. I felt excited and present after our time together.

The second was interesting to witness. We had a lot of things in common, more than I had with date number 1 on paper, but I didn’t feel the warmth. I walked away feeling like I had no idea what she was thinking or feeling, but I got the sense she did not like me like that because if she did, I wouldn’t be feeling confused or frustrated. But instead of trying to guess her experience and then decide my own experience based on hers, I actually tapped into my experience first. I didn’t feel comfortable with this person - I reviewed the time spent together and I remembered a few moments I had flagged that reminded me of toxic patterns in my own life that I have partook in that I would like to not participate in anymore. I didn’t feel naturally accepted or valued or even engaged with in a meaningful way. I felt tired instead of energized when I got home. I felt little and small instead of alive and courageous.

Now guess which person I would have gone toward before though…

Yes, # 2. I would have wanted to go toward the unavailability or the lack of chemistry and the lack of warmth…. why? Because when you have developmental trauma, and attachment trauma, your neuroception is off and you want to go toward what is difficult. Want is maybe not the right word, but gravitate.

If anything for a long time (maybe large parts of my whole life) when I felt little and small in the presence of someone, I would be most attracted to that person. I wanted to go toward that person the most. I wanted to change their mind. Make them see how wonderful and valuable and interesting and how much I really have to offer. For me love was something you earned through sacrificing your boundaries and limits, ignoring or keeping silent about your true feelings and experience, investing more than the other person did, proving your worth instead of knowing it through compensation.

It was so cool to witness, maybe for the first time ever (consciously at least) that I had no real interest in pursuing date # 2 further. That my body actually did not want to sleep with them or be with them.

I was sad though. I actually teared up in my driveway when I got home because I felt so odd and rejected, and I could feel the part of me that was like get them to see you! You can do it! And an even bigger part of me (thank god) arriving and saying, it is time to rest.

I dragged myself to a bath and I lost my appetite for the night. It was even cool that I felt sad. Because it was sad. It sucks when you don’t have a connection with someone when you were hoping to.

But when the lack of connection is there, the proper neuroception thing to have occur is what I am highlighting here… we move away from unavailability. We do not keep going toward unavailability with fresh new attempts at changing it until we do (and usually we never do).

And so that’s what I was doing. Moving away from unavailability and feeling my feelings.

Whereas I wanted to meet up with date number 1 once more after our first date because I felt like I could be myself while I was with her. I felt that desire, and that attraction for something healthy. I craved somewhere I would be mirrored back to myself accurately, instead of wanting to stand in front of an inaccurate mirror and beg them to use the windex to fucking see what is in front of them. With amazing date, I wasn’t stressed about our texting - I knew she’d get back to me or use words to let me know what she was thinking or feeling. I didn’t feel like I had to censor myself or mask with her. I wasn’t stressed about the timing of our next hang, and I trusted it would just occur at right pace and right time in both of our right consents.

I am really working hard on healing these things in myself right now. I want to be in a healthy relationship, and I am also completely okay (maybe for the first time ever actually) being single/alone if a healthy relationship is not available to me. For as long as that is. And not in an avoidant way like I will only have you if you are better than my solitude quote on instagram hyper independence sort of way. No, I mean in a way that admits that I want something and that simultaneously, I am in no rush and I will not use the ways I learnt to earn love in order to make that relationship happen.

I will never be in a healthy relationship if I earned it through self-abandonment, sacrificing my boundaries and limits, ignoring or keeping silent about my true feelings and experience, investing more than the other person does, proving my worth instead of knowing it through compensation.

I need people. I let myself need people now. And, I have finally built enough healthy resource internally and externally that I can be choosy about who I pick romantically. My friends are so good to me. They are loyal and on my side, they are confront-able/ repair when need be, and they don’t compete with me and truly listen when I speak to know me. Vice versa. My mom is excellent to me now too. I’ve worked so hard at building and maintaining platonic friendships and relationships - it has not been without pain, losses or adjustments. And…

I’ve arrived at a point of maturity perhaps where I will not earn love through those previous ways I was taught. I’ve mastered it in some aspects of my life and I am ready to do so in the partnership sector.

I am not interested in earning love anymore anyway. It makes me feel uncomfortable. The people I love do not have to earn my love. I simply give it to them because they are inherently worthy of it and I see that. I expect the same back now. How cool? With my history of developmental trauma, my body did not know she could expect that. Maybe it’s the same for you.