What my fear of pregnancy is about

Here’s the deal…

I am NOT under any circumstances having a child and passing on the intergenerational trauma I didn’t heal.

There is no reason any of us should be having any kids if we are not healing the trauma we’ve had passed down to us. Because if we do have offspring, and we haven’t healed, we will continue these patterns we have going that lack emotional and somatic intelligence, and we are going to straight up destroy the earth.

That may be dramatic, but think about it… it’s not necessarily wrong to state.

I am not doing that to a human being. It stops with me.

Yes, that is a lot of pressure to put on myself and yes I do want kids. But I don’t want to fuck up my kid.

That means, I would not let a child be born from me and raise said child, until I trust myself to be regulated enough to be able to not pass on what my mother and father passed on to me.

Now I also know that…

No matter what I do, and how perfectly I do it, my future kids, they will be flawed incredible 3D characters like we all are. I know I will make mistakes. Even if my partner and I have the most wonderful relationship and can model properly as individuals.

But here’s the thing, kids make up their nervous system (the social engagement part of their parasympathetic) based on yours - their main care giver.

Yep, for a few years after a child is born, their autonomic nervous system isn’t fully developed and they will construct and finalize it based on the one their parents have.

So, this is why, we can indeed, biologically, blame our parents for all our shortcomings says my S.E mentor Irene Lyon. Or blame whomever is raising us. This is why adopted kids will have their adoptive parents intergenerational trauma inherited.

That is not something to take lightly. This means, if I am going to be modeling someone else’s nervous system, I want mine to be in good shape.

Before, I had the knowledge about the NS like I do now, I was still terrified of being pregnant when I didn’t want to.

Now that I’m at the part of my life where you say “OMG CONGRATULATIONS!” to someone when they are pregnant instead of “OH FUCK.” I thought that my fear would have dissolved.

But it hasn’t.

I take being a woman and a potential mother one day really seriously.

And I don’t want to be reckless with my privilege to make life. So I’m not going to be.

I’m going to wait. And do my work. Until I know it’s time.