How I deal with hating waiting

(A word to those of us who want things done by tomorrow.):: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED may 3rd 2022

I disabled my instagram for the first time ever on March 5th at 7 something am.

Last year I spent a little over 26 weeks off instagram (meaning like LOGGED OFF), and my business still survived full time. In fact, there came a time where instagram was just wasting my time because I had phased out of using it as a main marketing tool. Still, I had never actually left instagram, like made myself disappear. I would log off for a month or two or even three one time, or weeks or weekends at a time and come back and answer all the little queries and comments that I had missed. Post something about an upcoming class. Invite folks to the thing. I watched the people’s stories and replied. I commented YAS when appropriate. You know?

Anyway, on March 5th, I was like, I’ve always wanted to do this. Instagram is really stressing me out right now (for a lot of reasons), so I just clicked temporarily disable account. And then I texted Hillary and I said, “Can you check if I am gone?” and I was.

So what is different in my life? At this point, I am so used to not being on instagram that I’ve forged the correct relationships offline so I don’t feel out of the loop much. I talk more to my friends now a days than I ever did when I was severely addicted to instagram. I read the news the way I want to read the news and I trust that working with people all day every day, I basically know what is happening all over the world through their stories at the very least. I even have friends who send me “private IG stories” and it’s just their highlights of the last few days in picture form that I wouldn’t have seen.

BUT THE MAIN THING THAT IS DIFFERENT IS THIS: I have so much space to FEEL MY SHIT.

I am after all, a scorpio rising with a pluto CONJUNCT that ascendant ruled by pluto. I love to transmute, transform, alchemize, heal, look at the shadow, do parts work like a bo$$.

I meet parts of myself weekly or monthly that I would have never known if I kept distracting/ living my life on devices 24/7. One of those parts is the impatient part of me.

Turns out I am hella impatient. I like things done on my timeline, I like them done the way I want them, and I like them done with excellence.

Scrolling kept me busy enough that I wouldn’t notice this part of me as much. I am still mildly uncomfortable with not having anything to do for an entire day (I usually decide to make a lasagna anyway.)

So I’ve been leaning into noticing I am impatient and then letting the URGE pass.

Because it does. It always does.

I am okay if the thing doesn’t happen right away. I am okay if the thing is not fully done. I am okay if there is more to do but I can’t do it right now. I am okay with waiting for something I really want. I am okay with not having what I want right now and simultaneously being allowed to believe it is on its way. I am okay with not being able to go fast.

Nothing bad happens.

In fact, I water plants. And I make the lasagna, and I read a new book or I give some of my time to someone who needs it. I take a long bath.

Of course what I have noticed is that I am impatient because I feel unsafe. Doesn’t it always come back to this? For me it does anyway. That’s my most un-resourced need from childhood so the coping mechanisms I developed to survive this need not being met physically or emotionally and often times spiritually are a bit WILD but also VERY SMART. And as coping mechanisms do, their intelligence soon gets negated with time.

And it is my adulthood work to keep resourcing my need for safety and dismantling all the ways I learnt to cope with feeling unsafe, especially if they actually cost me peace or health.

Maybe for you, your most un-resourced need is the need for acceptance or maybe the need for connection or value, so maybe your coping mechanisms (protective and otherwise) surround having a hyper or hypo response to these unmet needs.

Like for example, maybe your need for acceptance was so under resourced, your coping mechanism became people pleasing. Which smart at first glance obviously, but also costs you a high price, such as authenticity and self-connection.

So yea… I challenge you to even log off for a weekend or an entire week from scrolling and see how much clearer you become to yourself. Maybe you’ll even feel inspired to stare a coping mechanism right in the face and say no more (adding: let me resource your need in a more sustainable way honey).

Love,

Em