On being held by the forest
Approaching samhain intentionally :: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED On OCTOBER 7th 2022
I have such a profound co-regulation practice with the land I live on. I am grateful for this.
I have been grieving a lot. I decided mid July that I was going to grieve before Samhain. I wanted everything I needed to grieve to show itself so I could release it. So that at the beginning of this new cycle, I would not be carrying any of the years that just passed with me. In the past 11 weeks, I have done 15 relational grief processes and an additional two completion letters. There’s 300-350 worth of hand written pages of me forgiving, acknowledging, saying sorries on my desk right now. I have a big ole blister on my right hand that looks as though I lift very heavy weights. I have purged my closet - gotten rid of clothes, souvenirs, and books on my shelves. I spent a Sunday afternoon smashing jewelry with a hammer on my deck. I have burnt journals, and lists and cards. I have thrown out gifts and put away photos on hard drives.
I have decided to earn the gain of not living on social media, but also choose the loss of what that means. I’ve given up on people completely as I’ve recalled my generosity, kindness and care from people and places that are not reciprocal.
I have started doing pelvic floor PT and I am unfreezing these very tender spots that have been frozen for a decade and I am realizing how much I am interested in having a huge fucking fence to protect my tender self up - and how much I am allowed that after all. I can feel this sense of maturity enter me and my relational field. I won’t be entering or staying in things I have previously justified entering or staying in. You truly just can’t fuck with me the way you used to be able to. I am working a lot with my anger that people can do harm to me, and get away with it, and look as though they have everything they want, while the impact of their words and actions haunt me and the responsibility of healing lands on me because they refuse to take responsibility or accountability or do repair. I am listening to this song to discharge the anger and also a lot of Carrie Underwood undo it. I can’t watch the Bachelorette anymore because I have this deep aversion to anything that is dysfunctional at the moment, including entertainment. My acupuncturist and I have a wonderful bond and I love going there more than I love going anywhere lately.
My knee has made a complete recovery after tearing my ligament in the summer on a hike. My physiotherapist taught me that we can put a lot of effort into something, but we won’t see the fruits of our labor if we do not have alignment first. She taught me how to ground and balance myself first (align), and then she helped me strengthen strategically so I didn’t exert myself for no reason (put effort in in a smart way). I told her I needed to tear my knee to remember this basic life order and not forget it. Now I think about my big toe, little toe, and heel having equal pressure as I take each new step in the forest, climbing the hills and descending them.
As we are in nature’s PMS stage (Fall), and I bring in my large fern that sat near my sectional couch in my outdoor living room since May and I compost my garden back in the soil, and I watch huge gusts of wind inspire trees to release leaves like snowflakes all around me, I realize I am okay with endings. I am accepting that the way I wanted life to be didn’t happen.
When I am in the forest, being held by it, I think so much about forgiveness. I think about how forgiveness allows us to let go of tension in our energy field and our somatic bodies. When I have trouble forgiving, it is because I do not want to accept reality. I am resisting what is true, what I have already decided that I regret or wouldn’t do now, what someone else did that hurt me beyond belief that they didn’t repair the way I needed or wanted, disappointment that things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to.
And when I accept things as they are… That I cannot remake my choice I’ve already made even though I wish more than anything I could. That I cannot force someone else to take responsibility for their life, actions, words, and that I cannot be the sole leader of the Universe… I relax. I forgive. I let go of the tension.
And when I do this, I can, much like the trees who are letting go of their leaves at the moment, grow new things when spring comes back because I have grieved, I have let go. There is room for the new.