On not being on social media

A permission to do what you actually want :: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 2nd 2022

I remember at the end of 2019 telling my girlfriend at the time, Abigail, that I wanted to get off social media. It was then that I started pondering if I could have an online business without being on social media. Abi was always so great for me to be in relationship with because she just believed me, and also believed in me a lot. She made me feel like I could totally do it if I wanted to and so I started considering what it would look like to stop being a workaholic.

The end of 2019 was the start of my severe autistic burn out showing itself. I didn’t have words for it yet, nor did I understand it completely - all I knew was that I was tired in a way most other people didn’t seem to reach. Most of my daydreams featured me dropping my phone into the ocean. It makes sense, I had just gone through terrible heartbreak the year prior to, and I had been working very very hard for years with zero days off. Plus, I had also become an adult as a child. I really mean this - I truly hadn’t taken a day off - like no emails, no writing, no social media/ marketing, no clients, no classes, no curriculum building, etc since 2014. NOT ONE TIME.

I remember being so addicted to work that I would be in conversation with friends I adored and think, How long do I have to stay engaged here until it will be okay to break this and go get my phone or laptop again?

I had an actual issue. It is so normalized in this culture to think and behave this way that maybe that lands as extreme to hear, “an actual issue.” But I am big on naming things and - it is not healthy or functional to be thinking that or behaving this way. It’s okay if we are, and there are ways out, but I can’t be like oh yes that was healthy and no big deal. No, it was a big deal, and it needed addressing if my health was of value for me.

I wrote so much about my journey around testing my business without social media, taking weekends; weeks; months; and seasons off in the Beatrix Newsletter archive from 2021 if you want to ponder that as it was unfolding here. It definitely didn’t happen in one go. It’s actually kind of surreal to think I used to struggle so majorly with not feeling worthy if I was not productive. I have completely healed that in the past 3 years. I can’t even find a place in my body where that still feels alive. I also just invested so much more into my creativity which brought back joy. I had to build a consistent newsletter following too to not feel like I was missing out by not being on social media business wise (that’s you - hello, merci for being here.)

I took the spring of 2021 off social media. March, April, May and half of June. I now remember that season as one of the best times of my entire life. Like ever.

Yet I still felt like it was helpful for my business to go on social media and promote classes or workshops or programs so I would go back on after my breaks in the past 2 and a half years. When you launch a book also, it’s a good idea to have social media to direct people to it. So I knew I would go on social media this summer to promote the book. But after that? I sort of wanted my dream from the end of 2019/ beginning of 2020 to come true. At this point, I feel like everyone who watches my stories regularly or engages with my content on instagram is now here. And so now… it was time to make what I actually wanted for so long to come true.

No social media as a part of my life. Like for a long time undetermined period of time. No rush to come back. No need to. Like for six months. Like for a year. Or maybe for years. Or forever.

Maybe I won’t resuscitate @emily__beatrix.

You want to know my biggest fear about this whole thing?

I am the most scared about getting covid and not being on instagram. I’m like I don’t know how I’ll get through covid without posting about it or changing my mind with it as a resource.

So I have been avoiding deactivating for this reason.

I had to have a little talk with myself about it. I guess if you get covid, you’ll call your friends Emily. I guess you’ll write about it on your newsletter and I guess you will go to Genie (my typewriter) and write angsty poems about love to pass the time and no one will see them in real time and you’ll go to the river and you’ll lie down and think of Mary Oliver saying, “The dream of my life is to lie down by a slow river and stare at the light in the trees - to learn something by being nothing.”

I didn’t give myself permission to have this dream because of fear for a really long time. Fear that my business would fail without social media. Fear that I would be forgotten about. Fear that I would miss out on too much. Fear that I would isolate myself too much and become friendless. I didn’t give myself permission to have this dream because some people in my life told me things like, I was avoiding the real world and life if I did this. Or that leaving social media was a cry for help or a sign that someone really isn’t well. And that I should just learn to manage my time on it better instead of being so rash and impulsive and black and white about things.

Of course having something often means we can’t have another thing. Not being on social media does mean I am losing something. Probably many things. But are the things I am gaining worth the loss I am choosing?

It is empowering to choose our own losses and earn our own gains.

If you are thinking of your own wild dream you don’t give yourself permission to fully have, and you just answered yes, the loss will be worth the gain, then go for it. Even if it takes 3 years to get there.

Also P.S., I said last Tuesday I would write on Mondays strictly again and now I’d like to say I will be sticking to writing on Monday(ish). Turns out I like to sit and write when I feel like it and the idea of structure was not as hot as I thought. After all, this is a permission slip to do what you actually want. Hit reply and tell me what yours is.