On what it's like to be done the one big thing you wanted to do with your life

Naming an ending :: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED on September 27th 2022

I really didn’t want to be dramatic about my book being done and it being out in the world, and for the most part I have not been.

I feel like the book came out at the perfect time of year - June and July is when I have the most energy and when I like life the most every year so to prep for this book in June and have it come out in July was so ideal. I had so much energy to promote the book, go on podcasts, chat to people about it on DM and receive and write back to emails. I loved all the summer reading spots - near a river, at the pool, in hammocks or at the lake or curled up on the couch. I love the story Stephanie told me about how she was crying on her porch reading and her neighbour asked her if she was okay and she just said yes, I am reading something really moving. I love all the stories about reading it and what you did during and after. The conversations it has led to, the ways it has shaped you.

I feel SO much better after making the art and publishing the art. It was, hands down, the best thing I ever did for myself. I cannot stress this enough… your art will save your life.

This past weekend, I did my final thing I was going to do for the book launch which was an interview with Iman for those who wanted to celebrate the book with me and I also made a somatic practice audio for those who signed up to use before they write. You can catch this interview with Iman Gatti here for the next week.

I officially declared the end of this book launch on Sunday. No more promo stuff. No more interviews. No more pushing the book out with illustrations and fun little marketing things.

I trust that this book has told me it is a word of mouth book. It will spread with right timing and right people. I can trust its way through the world.

Writing is everything to me. I hope everyone I come into contact with understands this. And I think they do. I think of Dennis who told me, “Stop trying to protect us from our own actions,” when I asked him if I could write our story without holding back. I think about Leslie sitting in a booth with me in downtown La Jolla, giving me full permission to write about whatever inspired me - “I think it’s super cool,” she said - and the way she looked sad when her chapters ended because she loved them so much. I think about my mom who told me to leave her mistakes in, not for me or for her, but for other parents (and how this somehow turned the book into a parenting one too). I think about my best friends who read the early copies and cried, literally cried on phone calls and voice notes and sitting in grass with me in my yard, and told me this was art. I think about Naoise who wrote the book a poem, and who saw and really got the essence of this thing.

Being supported in my making of art is the best way to love me, and I am well loved.

There were so many milestones to this book. The day the first draft was done (August 18th 2020). The day I wrote the last chapter (April 3rd 2021). The day the final draft was done (June 14th 2021). The day all the edits were done and we had a final manuscript (September 22nd 2021). The day all the formatting and design was done (February 27th 2022). The day I revealed the cover to the world (May 17th 2022) and the day I announced when the book would come out (July 1st 2022) and the day it actually was available everywhere (July 8th 2022).

There were so many early morning writing sessions - my steeze was getting up at 6 am, making tea and writing or editing for a few hours every day. There were so many tears and laughs and so many friggen walks in between. I walked to the lake. I walked to the forest. I walked to the tip tops of the mountain. There was communion with the land and communion with spirit. There were so many meetings on the zoom, on the facetime, and at my kitchen table. At one point I even posed completely naked in my hallway in a doorframe with my arms sticking up so Lou could draw me. (We didn’t end up going with that cover so now we just both have my nudes for what we can call artistic brainstorming.)

I loved writing this book - it was the greatest honor of my life so far. I miss writing this book. I think I enjoyed it properly though so it’s less of a oh I didn’t enjoy this enough sort of missing and more of, it’s over and goddamn, that was spectacular. I’d do it again and again.

I love who I am so much more after writing this book. And I also feel so incredibly lonely. There have been moments where I have cried out of sorrow but also out of deep joy since it’s come out; I feel I have accomplished what I was meant to do on earth by writing this book. Maybe that is what happens when you spend 2 years and 3 months very close to God creating art. You feel lonely when you and God take a little break from making something together. You wonder, what is there left to do for a while.

Maybe that is what happens when the book launch is over and you’ve spent exactly 12 weeks promoting it and sharing it with others. People move on and you have to as well.

I feel raw being out in the world after having such a spectacular spiritual experience in writing this book. Like everyone hasn’t seen or gone through what I have and we simply just don’t get each other because of that. It feels weird to answer when someone asks me what I’ve been up to in life. Well I just communed with God for 2 years and 3 months and then spent 12 weeks telling other people about it and letting them read said communion.

I felt empty a few times in August in a way that scared me - what if that was IT? My favorite project. And now it’s over. Talk about yes… dramatic. ;)

The spark is starting to come back. There is so much more I will create. So much more to learn and understand and transmute. I know this for sure now, but there were moments in the past 3 months that made me feel like maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe I did my greatest hit and it was time to wrap it up. The depression of losing, or releasing, your project is real. And it’s also temporary as you truly acknowledge your grief and it passes.

There will be nothing like Can You Turn The Lights Off? And that is okay to name and okay to grieve.

I will miss it so deeply, and I will look back at these 2 years and a half with such reverence.

It feels right now that I am standing on the edge of this huge cliff and I am about to release something into the air and the air will take it where it needs to go, but I won’t be able to control that trajectory. I guess that was obvious when I published this book, but I think being involved in a launch still gives you this feeling as though you’re directing things. And now I know very clearly that this launch is over. And it feels like now is the real release time. It’s so scary and it’s also what I want. I am both so grateful to have lived this and also so excited to move on.

I love what Rachael Maddox said in her podcast/ newsletter earlier this year. There is no need to do it again. You can rest after a huge expansion. I do know I needed this permission, and I wasn’t at the end of the expansion when I heard it, but now I am. And I am taking it.

I want you to know it's meant the absolute world to me that you have read this book and loved it. If you haven't yet, it would be awesome if you could leave a book review on amazon. I know it's a tedious thing to ask for AND I would be so appreciative if you wrote a few words about why you think other people should read this book too. If that's not your jam, another thing you can do to support the book is share it with your people. Since this is very much a word of mouth book, if you know someone who would love it, please don't be shy.

My two favorite pages of the book are the last pages where I talk about my brother and I playing in the wind before a storm comes. And how I went to Swami's and wrote amongst the butterflies. My illustrator, Lisa, drew it and I wanted to share it with you. It is my favorite drawing. I am a butterfly now; I've become free. Launching this book has guaranteed that. All my love! And until next time folks! x

The prayer I made for Can You Turn The Lights Off? (it is now framed on my office wall in a pretty gold frame)…