On how long it will take to feel better

A story about acknowledging the truth helps:: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED JUNe 26th 2022

Now that we’ve made it through half of the year, I am thinking about second chances. I am thinking about starting over, or recommitting or shifting. That we can actually do that whenever we would like.

We do not have to keep doing the same thing. For example, I can shift the way I spend my money. I can change the way I earn my money. I can change my daily routine. I can alter what I am eating. I find so much freedom in knowing I can change. Things can change. We can feel better after we’ve felt terrible.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how when you undergo severe abuse or neglect in childhood, how there is this pain you have to co-exist with that never truly fully goes away. We have all sorts of fantasies about how the pain, it could go away. A romantic partner could take the role of the parent and put us first the way they were always supposed to. A business deal could provide for us the way we have never been which could create safety and security. A friend could accept us so wholly that we feel like we have somewhere in which we can be ourselves. All these things can help, and also, it will never quite make up for the real thing. The partner will never be able to actually relieve you of your pain because they are your peer and not your parent and they have these huge complex inner and outer lives too. The business deals will come and go, and the friends will get busy too.

I think it feels so scary to even admit that the pain could be with us forever and there is no ultimate cure. Ways to resource and meet our needs, yes. Ways to heal, absolutely. But there might be no way to reverse it totally and completely.

I remember when I went to my first somatic experiencing session and I asked my practitioner when I would feel better. He said, “probably in about 10 years”.

I thought he was joking at first but no, he was serious. He said, in about 2 years, you’ll feel regulation come online for you. In 5 years, you’ll know how to parent yourself in ways you were never parented and in 10 years, you’ll start to relate to people who did not undergo the trauma you did.

Of course this meant if I did this nervous system health work every day, consistently and kept on my healing path.

And even then… this would always be a part of me I would have to co-exist with. The trauma survivor part and all of the ways it impacted my brain, my body and my heart.

This loneliness the trauma created due to lack of connection, in our formative years when our nervous systems so badly needed it, that even being in the presence of others now can’t quite fix, might still follow me around. Some seasons, it will be way more loud than others too.

At the end of the day, living as a survivor of developmental trauma is sort of like living with losing a leg. You never get the leg back. You have to learn to co-exist with not having a leg when a lot of people around you have both legs. There are ways to walk again — yes. How great. We can have amazing lives.

However, there is this thing missing still. A challenge that is always there.

I find solace in the deep acknowledgment of that. It is confronting. It is a hard sober truth.

But when you have the truth, you can finally regulate. When you have the truth, you can finally start to feel better.

When I know the truth of my own context and the reasons I make sense, I can have right rhythm and pace for me; I can have oozing compassion when I am triggered, I can offer my little self an experience she always deserved; I can be patient.

What I fear can happen when we don’t acknowledge that trauma actually affects us… is that we try to live our lives as though we have two legs. That sets us up for failure. We lost one remember? There are accommodations we need. We have to acknowledge the truth to be able to take care of ourselves properly. If we don’t do that, we are taking care of someone who isn’t us. We are having expectations of someone who isn’t us. And we are judging someone who isn’t us.

May we keep seeing ourselves clearly in these long summer days and may we remember, we can always feel better after we’ve felt terrible. xx