On if you should write something publicly or not
For the writers and the ones who wanna be writers or anyone on the internet :: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED on JANUARY 30th 2023
I have been writing publicly for 9 years. I have shared with my readers so much:
my anxiety disorders diagnosis(s)(s) - there were a lot
my history of developmental trauma
the way I was affected by narcissistic abuse which included sharing about chronic illness symptoms and diagnosis
rape and recovery
my addiction to alcohol and benzo and my sobriety
my relationship with “Dennis” if you’re OG, you probably even know his real name and not the pen name he actually told me was lame, but then I told him the story of why he’s Dennis and he said fine (paraphrasing)
mine and Dennis’ breakup and the reasons behind it and my own healing from it
my coming out as queer / gay / lesbian
the ins and outs of my withdrawal from ativan when I was 22
insights and personal feelings about my relationship with my family of origin
my best friends and our beautiful and sometimes complex worlds
my autism diagnosis
some aspects/ storylines of my two first relationships with women that were out of the closet (I mostly decided to stop writing about my romantic relationships directly in detail sometime in 2019)
some interior design of homes I lived in (I stopped writing about this in 2020)
what I ate and or eat (my diet or my lifestyle)
a lot of what kind of art I consume and prefer
most recently, on this newsletter for the past year, I have chronicled my autistic burn out and the unwinding of being the “strong one” identity; 2022 was the year I called The Year That I Did Not Keep It Together
various insights into my world as an entrepreneur, a teacher, and a creative
I have always had hard stops around public writing that I think I have mostly always followed (and if I haven’t, I have repaired) such as:
I do not write about anything that does not involve me or that I did not directly experience
I do not write about anything that I don’t fully understand yet or that I am not equipped with enough experience/ education to speak to with clarity (sometimes it’s best to listen and not speak, yknow?)
I do not write anything that makes me feel unsafe
I do not write from a sense of wanting revenge or to humiliate or hurt someone
I do not write about my spiritual practice in detail (that is mine)
I do not write about something from an ego place of wanting validation or likes or followers or payment or because I know something will land well, I write because I am inspired and moved to share something
Even if you are not a writer per say, now in this internet age, most of us face the question of, what do I share publicly or not?
What parts of me do I keep private? What parts of me do I share?
All the things I have shared over the last 9 years I have been absolutely so happy to share. But I also didn’t share them all at once.
For example, I didn’t ever say one word about the sexual assault I experienced for over 3 years and a half after it happened in my writing. I also have never, and don’t plan to, ever write the direct details (as in the play by play) about it publicly.
I was always a BISEXUEL in my life. Dennis for example knew very clearly how I loved women, and my struggles around understanding and defining my romantic and sexual attractions. But I never wrote about it publicly until 2019. I began to be sexually active in 2009 ish. That is over 10 years of crushing on, hooking up with, and being in love with girls and not saying a word about it in my writing. I didn’t feel safe to until I did.
I share this to normalize that while I am a writer who has always shared very vulnerably and in a real and raw way, I did not, and I do not, always share everything that is me.
I always find it incomplete as a statement when people reflect back to me that I share so much. I do share so much, and ALSO, I share under the right nervous system health circumstances for me, so that I never end up feeling too exposed writing.
Because when I do share, it is well analyzed, processed, embodied and ready to be your story too.
And! Even if someone had read every single thing I have ever written publicly, there would be so much more to discover about me. Beautiful bits and shitty bits I am sure!
I felt super comfortable sharing what I ate in a day in 2015/ 2016/2017 and now I feel it’s none of anyone’s business and I don’t feel inspired or interested in sharing that currently. What we feel comfortable sharing, or what we feel interested in sharing, also changes over time, or in different seasons as writers and there is nothing wrong with that.
There are some current things that I do want to write about eventually, but I do not feel in consent to writing at the moment. In fact, I feel pretty quiet recently in my writing.
I feel I need to do a lot more processing, and be in a YES to share some of the topics I am curious in exploring next in my writing. Maybe that will take 6 months, or 6 years, I don’t know. Maybe more. Maybe less. I have found it is best to not put pressure like that on your writing, or your processing for that matter.
I just trust that when I feel moved to write something and get yes cues from my body, and I am processed in it in my life, it usually lands and connects with people because it is authentic.
And I am not really a huge fan of writing just to write for content. That usually gives me huge NO cues in my body.
Did you know that your body will give you cues as to what you are actually in consent with sharing and what you’re not?
Intellectual consent and somatic consent are very different, and it is usually wise to learn how our somatic consent expresses itself to us.
Here are some questions and cues from a class I taught: Trauma Aware Storytelling. We discussed this very question, what should I share and what should I keep to myself in my writing?
So if as a writer you don’t know what to share, start here.
What have I processed in my life? (Name ‘em)
Can I handle feedback about this without being re-traumatized? (Explore this.)
What does your body think? What is it doing when writing? Before and after the writing? When thinking about/ experiencing the publishing?
Start lower stake to play with it. Sometimes, we don’t know our limits or our hard stops until we’ve crossed them, so that is okay too.
Remember… consent is queen. Your body holds your answers. Attune and you shall be enlightened.
If you want to know more about this specific thing, HERE’S where you can get the writer’s workshop class for $47 instantly to your inbox.
ART I LOVED THIS WEEK(ISH)
in Tv: Omg Louise and I watched Bad Sisters in 2.5 days and honestly? One of the best written shows I have seen in a WHILE. Truly 10/10 excellence.
Watched Heartstopper on netflix and it was the cutest most wholesome damn thing I have ever witnessed.
I also watched Work In Progress. A queer show that got cancelled on HBO, but there are really awesome writers on it like Samantha Irby.
in Movies: I watched Beautiful Boy and I cried. I loved it.
in Books: No Bad Parts! I love IFS so much, and reading Richard’s book was incredibly nice.
OKAY MAY I RECOMMEND THE BEST BOOK ON TAROT I HAVE EVER READ: The Tarot For Change by Jessica Dore.
I also really love/ loved Jessica’s newsletter on substack.