On living in reality

A note on making sure you see yourself properly:: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED june 10th 2022

Not seeing ourselves properly creates a fantasy. It stops us from living in reality.

A huge part of nervous system health is about learning how to live in reality, and how to use our agency in adulthood in post traumatic growth to create a life that we like living in.

One of the top things I see in my practice that women or non binary folks do that keeps them out of reality is to not see themselves accurately. And believe me, I have done my fair share of this as well and am always catching myself in new ways around this.

This is not about seeing ourselves as perfect (that is not reality.) This is not about seeing ourselves as superior than (that is not reality either.) But you want to know what generous people who have been through trauma do? They see themselves as less than. Which is… not reality either.

Not recognizing yourself as the full spectrum of the human you are - good traits included, the resilience acknowledged, is another problematic way of viewing oneself due to trauma. Sure you’re not dipping into narcissistic grandiose ego issues, but you’re still not in reality.

Because in reality, you are probably extremely competent, resourceful, intelligent, funny, confident, you know what you want, you are generous and attuned to others. You are most likely emotionally skilled and your interests and the information you have make you fun and engaging to talk to.

It is icky to experience someone else’s narcissism, their wrong view of self and reality, and feel their entitlement for example, right?

We can notice way easier like wow, this person (someone external) was traumatized and went into such a deep rag doll response (a very deep form of freeze and self-preservation that led them to profound selfishness), and they don’t really see things from a space of co-regulation or empathy. It may even be easier to notice another external person who is clearly not recognizing their power well because they’ve been in freeze as well. Self-preserving but from the lens of, I am so not good enough, I shouldn’t even exist.

I am better than you is a trauma response.

AND

I am so bad is ALSO a trauma response.

We have to work on seeing ourselves properly. Tell me how this lands. I hope it helps you see yourself a bit more true-ly.

All my love!

May we see each other and ourselves, first and foremost, for who we actually are.

Many weekend blessings as we await the full moon in Sagittarius. ***