On your feelings getting you in trouble

Unmasking and healing in safe relationship:: ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED On october 25th 2022

This letter is for those of us who have had experiences in which our feelings got us in trouble.

When we have a Hx of our feelings making us be in trouble, whether that is a feeling like anxiety, or worry, or anger, or sadness, or joy, or desire, or disgust, or sleepiness, or being proud of ourselves… we tend to build a mask to survive the world. This is also a letter for neurodivergent folks who are looking to unmask but don’t know where it’s safe to.

When we have to hide our feelings to not get in trouble, it creates this overwhelming guilt-like feeling I have observed in both myself and clients, as if we are doing something wrong when we are actually not. One, feeling the feeling itself feels wrong because it’s not “allowed” so that immediately creates guilt - I am doing something I should not be doing. Additionally often, and this is especially true I find in cases of neurodivergent people, there is also guilt for not being authentic and hiding a feeling. I personally hate having to hide my feelings, but I have learnt sometimes, it is smart to do so, because you will be harmed more if you reveal them in unsafe spaces. I have had to learn that not everyone should be awarded my authenticity, because some people do not value it or could hurt me in my vulnerability because their intentions are not pure or they are taking something out on me. As an autist, I have slowly learnt that I do not have to keep showing up to unsafe places and be punished because of my authenticity and become less sensitive to the hits. I can actually just leave. Or end things, or take an exit door. Resolution is not possible in all relational cases.

I want to name that our nervous system senses when we are safe or not to express our feelings and not get in trouble, before I get into some storytelling here. If there are spaces in your life where you know you will suffer punishment and you can’t end, leave or exit these spaces, don’t try to share your feelings there. You do not have to unmask there and this does not mean you are not being authentic. It simply means you are keeping yourself away from harm as these are not healthy spaces or healing avenues to be yourself in. The goal is not to try to share our feelings in unsafe spaces and get immune to the punishment. That is masochist and completely not necessary for you to endure. The goal is actually to go to safe spaces, safe people for us, and then practice having feelings there and not get in trouble so that your nervous system can heal from the guilt of having feelings or the fear/ hyper vigilance of having feelings.

It is truly underrated how healing it is for you to share and bring up a feeling and be met with validation, understanding, empathy, curiosity, and acceptance. Most notably a feeling that you’ve been previously punished for. This stuff in post traumatic growth can change your life.

My anxiety/ paranoia got me in a lot of trouble when I was young. Thus, it is very rare that I show my anxiety to people. I still have the hardest time telling Shannon about my anxiety, even though she actually knows my deepest c-PTSD fears, and she has never once, literally not once, ever told me that it was ridiculous or I should just calm down or punished me in any way because of such.

She has always just had a lot of compassion for me and been like, wow I am so sorry you feel so unsafe.

There is a reason she is my bffl after all.

Once I asked her if the uber eats driver seemed nice, and she immediately responded, “yes he was nice, and he definitely didn’t poison your salad.” She had no hint of annoyance or sarcasm in her voice and was being genuine and reassuring because she knew I was asking because I had somehow gotten into some paranoia that someone was out to get me. The best part about this is that I tried to not seem panicked at all when I asked her about the uber eats driver, she just knows me so well and understood why I was asking that question.

The other day, I allowed myself an anxious text to Shannon. I said, “Do you think you’ll ever wake up one day and decide or realize you don’t want to be my best friend anymore?”

She literally responded, “Never. You are my favourite and I am obsessed with you.

This text I could have just not sent because I can for sure regulate myself around these thoughts. But I am trying to mask less and in do-able instances allow myself to have a feeling like anxiety and not get in trouble for it in really safe spaces.

I knew Shan would respond with, “never.” And she wouldn’t be like omg you’re so anxious or you’re so clingy. All I responded back was kk cool same same. And that was that.

My mom and people like Shannon and Nick in my life share their location with me because they know if I can’t reach them right away, it helps me to see where they are and that they are okay, because I get so many accident or violent intrusive thoughts.

It is really nice to not get in trouble for my anxiety. And to be able to bring it to safe spaces and not be rejected, abandoned or judged and have people just meet me there and be like hey, what do you need? Vs, you are about to have some sort of consequence for having a feeling. Whether that is dismissal, belittling, rejection, abandonment, when I was a child - corporal punishment, embarrassment.

Now I am telling you the tale of how anxiety got me in trouble. But we can go into examples with any big emotion.

Sadness too. I got in trouble a lot if I was sad or if I was hurt. If I was hurt and I would express that, instead of being met with empathy in childhood across many different settings (schools, home, etc); I’d be met with criticism. It was me who was interpreting the situation wrongly. It was me who was too sensitive. It was me who had a bad sense of humor. Thus, I also learnt to hide when I felt hurt.

I often hide my hurt with anger when I feel unsafe to express it, because admitting I am hurt is so vulnerable for me. It’s easier to be mad. Being mad wasn’t criticized the same way in my Hx.

I practice saying I am hurt to Nick because he’s a really safe place to be hurt in. Recently, there was something that hurt me in our relationship and I told him, and he said ya that makes sense; I am sorry I said I would do something and didn’t do it. I didn’t prioritize it - you’re right and that must have felt really crummy to receive. He doesn’t justify or dismiss and he knows by now that my apology language is make restitution so he makes it up to me by feeding me my main love languages - words of affirmation or acts of service. Thankfully, he’s a word wiz and loves to cook.

But for you, it may be the opposite. Being mad got criticized whereas being sad was okay.

If anger got you in trouble, you may not want to admit that you felt betrayed or taken advantage of, or that a boundary was crossed for you and this is what you need moving forward.

The key is finding safe spaces where you can have emotions, especially the ones that got you in trouble, and then have a new experience of not being in trouble for that emotion.

So let’s say you got in trouble for experiencing disgust in your history, the healing path for you would be to be around people who can go, yeah I love that you know what you like to eat and what you don’t like to eat. Instead of being around someone being like wow you’re so picky or you’re so difficult.

These safe spaces can come in all sorts of form and no one is more superior than the other for your nervous system - it just matters to get a new experience in. It can be a professional space with a practitioner. It can be a friendship space like the ones I chose to focus on in this letter. It can be a romantic one; a social or work related one.

We get harmed in relationship, but we also heal in relationship. Watch this video from Gabor on why attachment is everything.

May we be blessed with healing spaces. May we go toward them. May we spot them with ease. May they be wonderful places to practice a new way of being in.